How to keep your political career

Some free, but useful advice on how to stay in politics.

12 things to avoid:

  1. Don’t take pictures of yourself naked.
  2. Don’t take pictures of your reproductive organs while wearing something tight/revealing.
  3. Don’t engage in sexually explicit conversations over the Internet or by text message.
  4. Don’t do anything remotely sexual with an underage person.
  5. Don’t have an affair in a foreign country and lie about it.
  6. Don’t have a relationship with a call girl.
  7. Don’t pay for a prostitute with a check.
  8. Don’t have an affair with someone who works for you.
  9. Don’t have an affair with someone who is married to someone who works for you.
  10. Don’t solicit strangers for sex in airport bathrooms.
  11. Don’t have illegitimate children and deny responsibility.
  12. Don’t make advances on the children of your donors.

If you do decide to ignore my advice and go ahead with any of these activities, then please pay attention to the following tips.

6 things that will make it worse:

  1. Campaign based on your squeaky clean image.
  2. Championing family values.
  3. Public and loud criticism of other people’s indiscretions.
  4. Anti-homosexual rhetoric, especially if you’re closeted.
  5. Covering up with hush money.
  6. Firing or threatening people who are involved.

And finally, when you are caught (and you will be), come clean as quickly and openly as possible. Learn how to shed a tear in public, but try not bawl. Look and sound sincere. Keep a low profile. Work hard. And then maybe, if your constituents feel like they have a connection with you, they’ll let you keep your job.