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Lesson 1. If you eat chicken or fish, you are not a vegetarian. There are at least half a billion people who would also consider dairy and eggs non-vegetarian.

Lesson 2. If your cocktail doesn’t consist of gin and vermouth, it’s not a martini. At best, it’s a cocktail with a proper name that you’ve misnamed. At worst, it’s an alcoholic jolly rancher that probably ought to be served in a plastic novelty cup or a large, hollowed-out tropical fruit, not a cocktail glass.

There’s nothing wrong with not eating beef or pork and there’s nothing wrong with drinking a girlie drink. Just don’t butcher the language because I would really really like to know what you’re talking about when you say vegetarian and martini.

I’m tired of these fuckers obstructing my view.

Glasstrack sent along this story from yesterday’s LA Times:

DWP plan would give Valley a rate break

The Los Angeles Department of Water and Power has assembled a plan to charge many households in the San Fernando Valley lower rates for electricity during the summer compared with the rest of the city, on the grounds that those who live in a hotter climate deserve a break.

…

For example, Valley households would begin paying a higher rate for power once they have exceeded 1,000 kilowatt-hours on their bimonthly bills.

By comparison, households in the remainder of the city would begin paying a higher rate once they passed 700 kilowatt-hours on their bimonthly bills.

Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa has backed the rate-restructuring plan, saying he sees no contradiction between the effort to encourage conservation and the extra consideration for the Valley.

“Their temperatures are so much more extreme, so you have to take that into account,” he said Monday. “It would be unfair otherwise.”

In other news, State Insurance Commissioner Steve Poizner held a joint press conference with representatives from AAA, Allstate, Geico, and State Farm insurance companies to announce that the major insurance companies would be adjusting their rate tables so that policies for Lamborghinis and Ferraris wouldn’t cost much more than a policy for a top-end Lexus.

“Their maintenance and other expenses are so much more extreme, so you have to take that into account,” he said Monday. “It would be unfair otherwise.”

In a separate press conference, State Controller John Chiang announced a plan to introduce a graduated tax collection system at the fuel pump. The high-tech solution would automatically reduce the state excise tax and sales tax by 50% after the 20th gallon has been pumped, and by 75% after the 30th. Primary beneficiaries of this plan would include drivers of the Ford Excursion.

“Their fuel consumption and average vehicle miles traveled are so much more extreme, so you have to take that into account,” he said Monday. “It would be unfair otherwise.”

Just watch.

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

All the original NBC 4 videos:

2003-11-07: http://www.nbc4.tv/video/2620224/detail.html

2006-04-21: http://www.nbc4.tv/video/9152183/detail.html

2006-05-03: http://www.nbc4.tv/video/9155837/detail.html

2006-05-24: http://www.nbc4.tv/video/9265802/detail.html

I knew they took advantage of customers’ fears and sold them services they didn’t need, and I also knew they were horrible at what they did, but I didn’t know they were cheating, lying, sons of bitches.

Stupid teen.

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I pulled up to Flower and Exposition and spotted a parking spot just across the intersection. Then I noticed the blue Honda in the first right turn lane maneuver her vehicle into the second right turn lane. I knew she wanted to go straight. There was an outside chance she also wanted to steal my parking spot. Well, we’ll see about that.

As soon as the light changed I zipped forward and slid into the space. As I Austin Power’d the car into position, I noticed the Honda with its right turn indicator blinking hovering by my spot while blocking the through traffic. The driver was saying something out of her window to me. I got out of the car.

“You took my spot. I was in the right lane waiting for that spot! You were all the way over there.”

She pointed vaguely at the middle of the road behind her.

“I was in the right-most lane that goes straight. You were in the right turn lane. There are two right turn lanes.”

“I know, I didn’t see that and then I moved into the other lane as soon as I saw the spot.”

Uh-huh.

Blue arrow is me, green arrow is her. Red arrow is the disputed parking space.

Well, I had somewhere to be. So I wasn’t about to move, and I don’t usually feel sorry for people too stupid to get in the correct lane. In fact, I think those people should be given a lifetime bus pass and stay off my road.

“What a gentleman. Why don’t you go back to your own country?”

Ha! Not only stupid, but a racist besides! I hope she gets mugged walking back to her car parked in BFE.

But let’s get back to the broader point, here. She was in the right-turn lane and instead of dealing with her mistake and turning right, or waiting until it was safe to merge into the through lane, she decided to force a merge into oncoming traffic only to stop just across the way. That’s dangerous. She risked injury and at least one hour of her time just because of her stupidity. Definitely a prime bus pass candidate.

It doesn’t rain often here, but when it does, people freak out. I have a low opinion of most people’s ability to drive to begin with, and this morning it seemed that every traffic report that managed to sneak into my consciousness before I hit snooze reported another couple accidents on the freeways. Checking Sigalert.com, I can see a clusterfuck of accidents in Orange County (heh, Republicans really can’t drive), accidents up and down the 710, and a scattering of accidents everywhere else. Ugh. No thanks.

So here are some tips to my fellow LA area drivers:

1. Pay attention. You should always pay attention, but pay special attention when it’s raining/wet. That means turning off your cell phone, saving the paper for later, or doing your makeup before getting in the car.

2. Keep your distance. Your brakes are shitty, your reaction time is slow, your tires are those plastic, long-lasting ones you picked up at Costco for $25 a tire last year. You just aren’t going to be able to stop as quickly, period. Multiply that by a factor of 1.5-2.5 in the wet. Don’t forget that there’s an asshole behind you who drives just like you. If he’s tailgating you and you’re tailgating the guy in front of you, you’re in for a world of hurt.

3. Keep both hands on the wheel. Driving through a pool of standing water can rapidly slow down your wheels on one side, causing your car to jerk toward that side. If you’ve only got a few fingers resting on the bottom of your steering wheel when that happens, you’re probably going to hit that median or the car next to you.

4. Stay home. You just ignored 1-3, didn’t you? Well, then just call in sick today. Stay off that road. Or better yet, take advantage of all this free water by washing your car in the rain. Last night I hosed down my car, quickly soaped it up, then took a spin around the block (tried to get my wheels to break loose at the cul de sac, but didn’t try hard enough). All in ten minutes. My car is clean!

5. Do the math. Sigh. So you’re going to get out there anyway. So let’s say you gotta get somewhere that’s ten miles away. If you’re driving 55 mph, it’ll take you 11 minutes. If you’re driving 75 mph, it’ll take you 8 minutes. If you get in an accident, you can add 1-2 hours to your commute. If you can’t handle the speed (and let’s be honest here, you can’t), go ahead and suck it up. It’s going to take you an extra three minutes, and you should stay the fuck out of the passing lane.

I guess this is more of angry rant than a list of tips. There’s still good advice in there.

Why the fuck is someone blowing leaves around on a Sunday morning?! Good Christ. I don’t think I can express just how much I hate the sound of those blowers. Fuck the neighbors.

That’s most people, thank you.

The 10 East has a couple lanes separated from the main freeway for people entering and exiting at Western, Arlington, Vermont, and Hoover. Sometimes I’ll drive at 80 in those lanes, but I know what I’m doing. Other people don’t. Anyway, traffic had slowed down toward the end of this little stretch as it always does. In fact, traffic had stopped. In the meantime, I’m watching my rearview mirror and see a truck speeding toward me. Almost at the last minute, he merges left and continues on. Of course, right behind him was a bitch who was following too close and not paying attention. When I saw she wasn’t slowing down, I moved forward half a space, hoping it would be enough. It was, but she still had to slam on her brakes to stop in time.

Three things:

1) If you don’t need a big truck, you shouldn’t have one. It takes up space and it’s hard to see around. I don’t know that this was the case here, but it’s something to keep in mind.

2) If you can’t see around a vehicle in front of you, don’t fucking tailgate, especially when you’re in a situation with few outs.

3) Leaving space between your car and the car in front of you is a good idea. If I hadn’t left that gap, I wouldn’t be sitting here in class blogging about stupid drivers. I’d be on the side of the 10, fucking up traffic, getting some stupid bitch’s information and waiting for the cops.

We both ended up getting off at the same exit. When she came up beside me, she didn’t even look over. I wonder if she has any idea how close she came to flying through her windshield? I don’t know if she was wearing her seatbelt, but she was driving a shitty American car, and I’m near certain the safety equipment would have failed.

All this took place in a few seconds:

Driving up the 405 in the far left lane, I noticed several cars up the road in my lane with their brake lights on. The next lane over also had some cars putting on the brakes, but there were fewer cars. I moved over one lane to the right, but figured I should move over another lane because of the sympathetic braking going on in this lane. I also figured a car from the far left lane might try to change lanes.

I checked the next lane over and was starting to move over when the SUV that had been in front of me in the far left lane suddenly moved over. I turned my wheel more aggressively and continued to change lanes. The space between our cars was probably no more than ten inches–I wouldn’t want to be parked next to an SUV with only this much space, let alone drive next to one at 70 mph.

Once I got clear, I checked the rear-view mirror and noticed the SUV swerve left back into his original lane. What a dumb fuck. If I hadn’t anticipated his maneuver and started the lane change, I probably would have totalled my car, gotten my face bruised on the airbag, and fucked up traffic for an hour.

Analysis of his stupidity:
1) Did not anticipate traffic ahead of him.
2) Did not anticipate traffic behind him.
3) Did not check traffic.
4) Attempted to enter a faster lane after slowing down from 70 mph to 50 mph.